


Broken

by Anonymous



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: First Time, Frottage, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-25 23:25:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18172823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A sequel toTaken. Months after their ordeal, Arin struggles with his personal demons while dealing with his new relationship with Dan.





	Broken

Arin always dreads going to sleep.

He hides it well. He holds Suzy and kisses her sweet little forehead. He tells her that it’s okay, that she’s not alone, that he will be here when she wakes up. He knows what her nightmares were like, that she dreaded being left on her own, not knowing where Arin was or if he was okay. So he stays awake for her, murmuring reassurances, until her eyes slip shut and her breath turns deep and steady.

And then it’s Arin’s turn, and there’s nobody left to comfort him.

The nightmares are unpredictable. There’s no pattern to them. Sometimes, it’s awful half-formed images of the boss, twice as large as real life, stained teeth bared in a grin as he advances on Arin. Sometimes he’s holding a hammer. Sometimes, it’s a screwdriver, or pliers, or a knife. Or a crowbar, stained with Dan’s blood. Arin tries to run, tries to hide, but he’s naked and the boss is right behind him and Arin doesn’t know if he’s about to be tortured or raped or killed but he can’t take the fear anymore and his heart pounds so hard it hurts.

Sometimes he dreams he wakes up in the hospital without his arm. Sometimes it’s both arms, and he’s helpless, totally helpless, never to hold his wife again. With these ones, Arin slips in and out of sleep, dreaming of the smells of antiseptic and floor cleaner, the sound of the nurses walking just outside his room, the low murmur of voicing, the rolling sound of gurneys on tile. The clock in his actual hospital room had never been loud, but in Arin’s dreams all he can hear is a dreadful _tic, tic, tic_ that makes his fucking skin crawl. _Tick-tock, one more day ‘til your arm is gone. Tick-tock, eleven hours. Five hours, four…_

In the mornings, after one of those, Arin wakes up in a cold sweat and grabs his arms to make sure they’re real. The itch of his scar actually feels good - a reminder that it’s real, he’s awake, he’s whole. Physically, at least.

But the worst ones of all are the ones where nothing happens to him. Arin is fine, hale and healthy, and it’s Dan and Suzy who are being hurt while Arin does nothing to stop it. Sometimes he doesn’t see it happening, but he can hear their screams. Arin runs down endless hallways, banging on doors, screaming their names, and he can’t find them no matter how hard he looks. He can smell the sharp coppery blood in his nose, tastes it in his mouth, and he screams the names of his wife and best friend over and over as he hears the unmistakeable sound of the boss laughing.

Those are the nightmares that have Arin waking up with his face streaked with tears and the covers twisted around his legs. For Suzy’s sake he keeps quiet, holds it back until he feels like he’s going to burst. She’s a heavy sleeper, thank fuck. His nightmares only wake her occasionally. And while there’s nothing better than her embrace, her little voice whispering _It’s okay, Arin, it’s okay, it wasn’t real, it’s okay, I love you_ \- Arin hates to see her cry for him. She looks exhausted, carrying the weight of her own problems with her concern for Arin, and Arin doesn’t want to make it worse.

So when Arin wakes up one morning, his eyes dry and his heart beating at a normal pace, it throws him for a long while. He frowns at the ceiling as he takes note of the way the blanket and sheets are still arranged over him neatly. It takes a lot of time for him to piece together that it’s morning and nothing’s wrong.

He feels - normal. Which is a miracle in itself. 

Beside him, Suzy looks pale and peaceful, her lips slightly parted. Arin rolls to the side to spoon her and kisses her cheek. She smiles faintly in her sleep and murmurs something Arin can’t make out.

“I love you,” Arin tells her, even though she can’t hear him. It feels good to say it. He does it as often as he can, even more often than before. When he closes his eyes and nuzzles her neck, he can almost pretend that none of their ordeal had ever happened. The world is calm and small and safe, and Arin is already feeling the buzzing energy of having a full uninterrupted eight-hour sleep. It’s incredible - it’s unbelievable - Arin can’t believe that once upon a time, he always woke up feeling like this, his sleep blissfully empty of dreams good or bad.

At some point Suzy stirs, and mumbles, “Is it time to wake up?”

“Not yet. Not for you.”

Her eyes peek open, bleary. “Oh, good,” she says sleepily, and passes right back out.

Arin smiles. He could lay here forever. He could. He wants to. But he has a routine and he needs to stick to it.

The routine was all that had kept him together in the first few tough weeks. Arin would wake up first and put coffee on for Suzy and Dan. He’d grab a quick shower, and by the time he was done, he’d hear the sounds coming from Dan’s room, the distinctive sound of his crutches on the hardwood. Even if the door was open, Arin would knock first, and wait for Dan’s verbal consent for him to enter. From there the two of them would head for the main floor bathroom, where Arin would wrap Dan’s leg in a garbage bag to keep water off the cast and help him wash himself. They had tried to get a plastic lawn chair to fit in the shower but the bathtub was too narrow, and Dan was too tall to be able to sit on the edge of the tub. By the time they were done, Suzy would be waking up, and Arin would make breakfast for three.

Arin slips out of bed as quietly as he can. Suzy’s forehead creases at the loss of warmth, and Arin bends to kiss her one more time. When he pulls back, her face is smooth again.

Walking into the bathroom gives him a twinge of déjà vu. A little flash of memory, there and gone again so quickly. 

_I did have a dream,_ Arin realizes as he turns the water on. He can shower now without feeling the urge to scrub himself bloody, can fight the feeling of being dirty. That had taken time. _I had a dream, and it wasn’t a nightmare._

That was odd, for Arin. Very unlike him. 

He can’t recall the details, but something is thrumming in his veins. Though he’s enjoying the shower, there’s something that’s getting under his skin, something both alien and familiar that he can’t ignore but can’t address, since he doesn’t know what the hell it is. Arin washes his hair, washes his body, and as he keeps trying to remember the pleasant dream until he feels an odd warmth in his lower body.

_Oh._

Arin skates a soapy hand up the shaft of his cock, vaguely amazed. For weeks, he’d been unable to even comprehend the idea of sex. Certainly he hadn’t been aroused. He hadn’t been overly concerned - it wasn’t like he was disappointing Suzy. Suzy hadn’t exactly been into sex, either. It occurs to him that he hadn’t jerked off at all since getting home.

His dick hardens fully in his hand, and Arin closes his eyes against the shower spray and strokes himself, slow and timid, as if he was touching himself for the very first time. His body responds eagerly and his hand speeds up, jacking off in earnest, as the buzzing under his skin cranks up a thousand percent and floods him with an all-encompassing heat that has him panting open-mouthed in the thick steam. It’s a little different with his left hand - a little clumsy, a little unpractised. But it’s been so long that his body doesn’t care.

His orgasm, when it comes, leaves him weak-kneed and shaking, his hand and the shower wall covered in jizz. Arin directs the shower head to wash it all away, and doesn’t think about the basement at all.

**

Arin knocks twice on Dan’s door, even though it’s cracked open. He always needed verbal consent before entering Dan’s space. He needed to know he was welcome. He wanted Dan to feel like he had some privacy, even though he was fully living in Arin and Suzy’s house.

“Come in!” Dan’s voice is a little strained, but cheerful enough.

When Arin walks in, though, Dan’s on the bed, whey-faced and biting his lip. Arin’s stomach swoops and he rushes to Dan’s side.

“Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“I’m fine. It’ll pass,” Dan says through gritted teeth

“Dan.”

“I just banged my leg.”

“Why’d you do that?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, Arin,” Dan says, rolling his eyes, but Arin can see the ghost of a smile on his face. “I was just…having a bad dream, and I woke up and didn’t know where I was. I just tried to get out of bed, but I forgot I was in this room, and I forgot the dresser was right there.”

“Fuck,” Arin says tensely. “Do you want me to have a look? You want an Advil or something? Do you want - ”

“I want you to stop worrying about me.” Dan rolls his eyes again. “Arin, I promise, it’s okay.”

Arin bites his lip and doesn’t tell Dan that it’s useless to try and stop worrying about him. Taking care of his loved ones is just a part of who Arin is. Seeing Dan in pain is worse than experiencing it himself.

Arin sits on the bed next to Dan carefully. He strokes Dan’s hair and says, “Do you wanna talk about the dream?”

Dan sucks in a breath and says, “Um, maybe another time? Maybe after coffee? I…it was pretty bad.”

Arin’s heart aches for him. “Okay,” he says softly. “It’s okay. You can tell me whenever. Or not at all. Up to you.”

“I want to.” Dan closes his eyes. “Even though you probably already know.”

“The van.”

“Yeah.”

They’re silent for some time. Arin stares at the wall, trying his hardest not to picture it.

Dan hadn’t told him everything that the black-haired man did to him. Arin can fill in the blanks, though. He knew it had happened again, at least once. He knew that Dan fully thought he would be taken somewhere, alone, so the man could do it again, over and over and over until he got bored and decided to kill him. Dan had been forced to lay there, tied up, alone with his imagination and his terror. Had been forced to assume the worst for Arin and Suzy - had been taunted about Arin being tortured.

Thinking about it fills Arin with rage, but he tempers himself in front of Dan. “I’ve already put coffee on.”

“Thank you, Arin.” Dan’s eyes peek open.

“Do you want a bath first?” Arin asks, and suddenly the déjà vu smacks him in the face again. He blinks, thrown off balance.

Dan doesn’t seem to notice. “Sure,” he says, and he almost manages not to sound embarrassed.

Arin knows Dan hated the way he has to be taken care of. But his knee - while worlds better than how it had been three months ago - was still in a splint, and his range of motion was limited. The horrific-looking pins had finally come out and now Dan was in a different kind of external fixation splint, which was essentially a rigid brace that held his knee in line with his lower leg. He was a little stronger on his crutches but still needed the wheelchair for longer journeys. Getting himself clean was a hassle, since he had trouble standing upright without crutches, especially in a tub. Still, though, it was easier now than it had been at first. 

The first time Arin had offered help, neither of them had been able to forget the way their captors and made Arin hold Dan in the steel tub in the basement. The tub where a former victim had been drowned. They’d made Arin hold Dan still as they roughly cleaned his knife wounds, and they’d made him hold a hand over Dan’s mouth to muffle his screams.

That attempt had ended with Dan panicking and shoving Arin away when Arin had reached past him to grab the shower head. Arin had gone sprawling on his back, head thunking against the bathroom cabinet. It wasn’t that bad, but the look of pure guilt on Dan’s face was enough to crush him. Suzy, having heard the commotion, had to come in and help get Dan out of the tub and back into his clothes. 

Dan had stayed in his room the rest of the day, and his eyes were bloodshot when he’d let Arin in to say goodnight.

Now, Dan carefully wriggles out of bed. His crutches are placed close enough to reach, but Arin offers his uninjured arm instead and helps him up. The arm that had undergone the fasciotomy was strong enough to do so, but the pain still bothered Arin. He keeps the arm there, Dan using him like a living crutch and struggling out of his T-shirt and pyjama pants. 

“You good?” Arin grabs Dan’s robe with his free hand.

“Yep.” Dan only hesitates for a split second before dropping his underwear. He has to lean on Arin heavily to be able to get the leg hole over the splint. Arin carefully aims his eyes away, grabs a Hefty Bag, and ties it from Dan’s ankle to mid-thigh. Stretchy tensor bandages help secure it to the skin without cutting off circulation, like their earlier attempts with rubber bands. He hears Dan breathing quick and even as he works, dealing with his fear. Arin’s good at being fast here. Once the brace is covered he reaches for Dan’s robe, holding it for him so he can slip his arms in one at a time. 

“I did your laundry,” Arin tells him as he leads Dan into the bathroom. “Fresh towels, and your favourite pants are clean.”

Dan’s favourite pants were fluffy PJ pants that were loose enough to be comfy with the brace, and thick enough for even Dan to keep warm.

“Dude, you’re awesome,” Dan beams. “Hey, you smell good.”

Arin pretends to be offended. “Is that not usually the case?”

“You want the truth, or do you want me to be considerate of your feelings?”

“You dick,” Arin scolds amiably. “Not all of us can have malfunctioning sweat glands, okay?”

“There’s perks.” Dan grips Arin’s shoulder and carefully steps into the tub, good leg first to keep all his weight on it. Arin holds him up so he won’t stumble.

Arin turns on the water and tests it on his hand. “Good?” he asks Dan, holding the showerhead so that Dan can do the same. 

“Perfect.”

The robe comes off and flies onto the floor. Dan, completely naked, hunches in on himself a little bit as a fleeting look of terror comes and goes in his eyes. 

“Still okay?”

“Yeah.” Dan swallows. “Yeah, sorry.” The terror fades and then he’s just Dan again, naked and a little embarrassed about it. 

“Don’t be. I know it’s tough.” Arin takes his place on the edge of the tub, sitting with his back turned so Dan can have as much privacy as possible, and can lean on Arin’s back to keep his balance. He feels good about helping Dan. He feels even better knowing that Dan trusts him enough to let him be this close to him. 

 

“Aaah,” Dan sighs, presumably sluicing the water over himself. “Mmm, I wish I could have a bath. This feels great.”

“Wait til your brace comes off. You can take all the baths you want. Suzy will give you some of her Lush shit if you ask nice. The bath bombs are epic.”

“You know that from experience?” Dan’s hand changes positions on Arin’s back, gripping his shoulder.

“Hell yeah. How do you think I stay so smooth and creamy?”

“Arin!” Dan giggles. “I guess I never thought about that.” His palm moves again and his finger brushes the back of Arin’s neck. Just a little touch, but its effect is electric. Arin stiffens, but the feeling is gone as quick as it had come.

Arin’s mouth opens and words come out. “You think if I picked you up, and we found a way to keep your leg up, you could maybe take a full bath?” The brace could be showered with but not submerged.

“What? Like you’d pick me up bridal style and just set me in? Even with your arm?”

“My arm’s fine. And you could wear swim trunks,” Arin says hurriedly, as his face flames hot. “It wouldn’t be weird, right?”

“You’ve seen me naked like a hundred times in the past two months.”

Why is it suddenly so hard to speak? “Yeah,” Arin says. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I guess if we had something for me to lean back against once in the tub. My leverage will be weird with my leg up. And are you strong enough to pick me up out of the tub when I’m done?”

Arin pictures it - leaning over Dan, having Dan’s arms wrap around his neck. Hoisting him up by his waist, letting Dan get his good leg out and on the ground. Dan clinging to him, soaking wet, his skin all hot and slippery, regaining his balance…

“Yeah,” Arin nods. “I could. Probably.”

“Cool. Thanks, Arin. Maybe I’ll be ready for that soon. Hey, could you - ?”

“Hair?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure.” Arin stands up slowly, adjusting Dan’s handhold as he turns to face him. Dan had a hard time lifting the showerhead up to reattach it to the tap, so that he could rinse out his hair conditioner. Arin often did it for him.

“Thanks.” Dan sticks his head under the spray. Arin watches the water cascade over his slicked-down hair. 

“You missed a spot.”

“Did I?” Dan huffs. “How can you tell?”

“Cause it looks like jizz.” Arin probably shouldn’t have said that. But Dan doesn’t seem to find.

“Ew, Arin. Where?”

“Back of your head. Not there - dude, what the hell. Lean forward…”

“I can’t lean forward. Can you get it?”

“Sure.” Arin takes the showerhead down again and blasts it at the offending conditioner. He uses his fingers to comb the hair through and watches the suds rinse out. Dan’s hair is soft as silk, straight and shiny, so different from its natural dry state. It slips through Arin’s fingers and smells like coconuts. Dan’s head tilts back, and the water sticks his eyelashes together and makes his lips glisten.

Arin’s throat is dry and his heart is pounding. It finally clicks. A flood of memories washes in at once. 

His dream. Dan, naked, moaning as Arin rubbed him down with soap. And Arin, spreading the suds with his hands, touching Dan all over. But his intent isn’t to get Dan clean. His hands had been wandering, squeezing, groping, caressing, as Dan writhed and whimpered and begged him for more.

It shouldn’t have been so surprising. But - fuck, Arin hadn’t been remotely interested in anything sexual since he got out of the basement. Kissing was as far as they went. Not just with Dan, but with Suzy too. He’d been pretty sure that the part of himself that desired sex was just irreparably broken. 

“Arin?” Dan asks, and Arin realizes that he’s just kind of - frozen, with his hand on Dan’s head. 

He yanks it away. “Sorry. Zoning.”

“That’s okay,” Dan says easily. “I think I’m ready to get out.”

“Right. Right, okay, yeah.” Arin’s eyes flick down once, and then his face burns. God, is he really doing this? Fucking - objectifying Dan in his vulnerability? What was _wrong_ with him? Where was this coming from? 

They had agreed not to move things any further than kissing. They had both agreed. The bathing wasn’t about sex. Dan didn’t want anyone leering at him, not even Arin.

“Here,” Arin says hurriedly, wrapping the towel around him. “I’ll get your robe.”

“Thanks, Arin.” There’s a little catch in Dan’s voice. “I really appreciate you helping me like this. You know that, right?”

“Yeah. It’s no big deal, Dan.”

“It is to me.” Dan slips into his robe, and then suddenly hugs Arin. 

Arin closes his eyes and hugs him back. The guilt grows so strong it’s almost unbearable. Arin’s only comfort is that Dan’s closeness feels so _right_ , warm and living and smelling so good. Arin would never forget the day spent wondering if Dan was dead or alive, how bad he would be tortured before he went, how fucking alone he would be through it all. He would never forget the sight of Dan’s ruined knee and his pain-drawn face, how small he’d looked in that hospital bed. And now he was here, naked and vulnerable, his face flushed pink from the steam and his hair plastered down, like some mythical mer-creature. When Dan rears his head up to look at him Arin’s eyes go straight to his lips. Arin imagines Dan sinking to his knees, thanking Arin for helping him shower by wrapping that sweet mouth around Arin’s cock.

And then Arin suddenly feels sick to his stomach. Dan was injured. Dan was fucking traumatized. Dan trusted him, and now Arin was ogling him, thinking about his looks instead of his struggles. What had the black-haired man called Dan? _Pretty little plaything_ …

What would Dan think of him if he knew Arin was breaking their agreement?

 _I was never like this before,_ Arin thinks, and then a cold idea comes to him. He shrinks away from it in horror. _No. No, I’m not like them, they didn’t break me that badly._

“Thank you,” Dan murmurs again, pressing his wet head into Arin’s chest. “For everything you do.”

Arin grits his teeth, holds his guilt back, and just says, “Like I said, no problem.”

“Can I have a kiss?”

Dan normally doesn’t sound so timid when he asks. But it occurs to Arin that it had been days since he offered.

“Sure.” Arin leans in, meaning to press his mouth quickly against Dan’s, but Dan apparently has other plans. He kisses Arin with fire, his hand creeping up around Arin’s neck as he makes a low noise deep in his throat. When his tongue slips into Arin’s mouth Arin stops being able to think clearly. _God, I want you so fucking bad._

Dan leaves Arin a red-faced mess when he pulls back with a wicked smile. “You taste so good.”

“So do you,” is Arin’s lame response, but it makes Dan smile.

“Breakfast?”

“Sure.”

“French toast?” wheedles Dan.

“Anything for you.”

**

Dan tags along in the backseat when Arin drives Suzy to her therapy appointment. 

Arin doesn’t blame Dan for not wanting to be home alone. Arin doesn’t exactly relish the idea, either. Being alone in the house felt like someone was standing on his chest, pushing against his lungs, making it harder and harder to breathe. He can imagine that it feels just as bad for Dan.

For the most part Dan is an unobtrusive guest. He leans against the window, gazing out at the buildings whizzing by, his eyes red and tired. Suzy, beside Arin, stares straight ahead, absentmindedly gnawing at her knuckle. When they stop at a red light, Arin reaches over to gently take her hand away.

“You’re bleeding,” he tells her. In the back seat, Dan jerks to attention and says, “What?”

Suzy looks at her lap. “Sorry,” she whispers.

“Baby, no, don’t be sorry. It’s just a bad habit.”

“I do it when I’m nervous.” Suzy’s hands are raw, her fingernails all chewed down to nothing, scratches on her fingers. “I don’t think about it.”

“The special nasty nail polish didn’t work?” Dan speaks up from the back seat, sounding concerned.

“Not really. I still don’t notice it when I get - you know. When I start thinking about it - about them - I just…run on autopilot.”

Dan looks even sadder. “Me, too.” In the rearview mirror Arin can see Dan rubbing his arms and knows he’s struggling not to pull at his hair compulsively.

Arin constantly wishes that he could just - take all their pain and bear it himself, even for just a little while. He knew how bad they would be after their ordeal - he knew it was going to be a long fucking road - he just didn’t know that it would be so relentless.

Suzy’s hunched up now, eyes strangely glassy. She looks like she’s a million miles away.

“Babe,” Arin tries. “Suze?”

Dan starts to lean forward, but before he intervenes Suzy snaps out of it and says, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” 

“I was just trying not to think, and I guess I got a little overwhelmed.”

When Arin stops at the next red light he turns to study her. It suddenly strikes him that the bags under her eyes are worse than ever, the dark circles beneath more pronounced. Her hair is dull and roughly yanked up into a bun and she’s wearing one of Arin’s sweatshirts, keeping herself safe and covered.

She catches Arin’s look and smiles wanly. “It’s been a bad morning, that’s all.”

How had he not noticed?

 _Because you were too busy jerking off in the shower_ , a cruel voice whispers in his head. _Because you got distracted, feeling up Dan in the bath._

Suzy says, “Arin, don’t look like that, it’s not your fault. I’ve just been…struggling a lot this week, I guess. Like I’m repressing.”

“You haven’t said anything…” _You’re her fucking husband, you should have noticed._

“I didn’t want you to worry,” she insists.

“Worrying is all I do.”

She pats his arm. “I know. And it scares me. You’re going to burn yourself out. You do everything for Dan and I, and we really appreciate it.” Through her pain and strain and exhaustion, she manages a smile for him. “I’ll talk to my therapist about it. Don’t worry. You boys just go have fun, get yourselves something to eat.”

Arin pulls up alongside the nondescript Tudor-style house that looked like a private residence, save for the small wooden sign that read _Doctor Alice Steinberg, C.Psych, Trauma and PTSD Counseling._ She was good - Dan saw her weekly now too. Arin had been putting off his own appointments, convinced that the last thing in the world he wanted to talk about was what had happened to them all.

Nobody knew the extent of the horror or the torture he had gone through. Not Dan. Not Suzy. And not some stranger, well-meaning and well-educated as she might be.

Arin kisses Suzy on the cheek and says, “Call me as soon as you’re done, okay?”

“I will.” In the sunlight her awful colour is even more pronounced. She looks like she hadn’t slept in days. Arin’s stomach turns over a few times, thinking of his own pleasant sleep, his dreams filled with Dan.

“Love you,” Arin tells her, his voice cracking. Suzy would have noticed his distress if Dan hadn’t added his faint cheery voice.

“Say hi to Dr. Alice!” Dan calls, and Suzy gives him a thumbs up.

Arin watches her go, a stiff-backed figure drowning in Arin’s hoodie, her legs moving briskly. It’s a safe neighbourhood but Arin always waits until he sees the door open, sees her go inside. That’s when he can drive away. 

Nothing is more terrifying than the idea of Suzy being taken from him again.

**

“So my therapist thinks I should spend some time with my family,” Suzy says to Arin late at night.

Dan’s in the living room, watching some football thing that Arin couldn’t care less about. Arin’s sitting in the kitchen, doodling in a notebook, drawing old characters that bring him comfort. It was one of the habits he found himself sinking back into, a way of managing his pain by focusing his world down to his pen or pencil and making stroke after stroke.

Arin closes the sketchbook and looks at Suzy, nursing her tea.

“Do you like that idea?” he asks.

“Of course I do. I miss everyone so much, and you know they’re all worried sick.”

Arin shrugs easily. “Well then, invite them over. They can stay as long as they want.”

“Arin,” Suzy says slowly, and the tone of her voice is what makes him understand.

“Oh,” he says. “They don’t want to come here.”

“They want me to go to Florida.”

“How long?”

She takes a breath. “Two weeks?”

“Oh.” It hits Arin harder than he would have thought. Fear seizes his heart and he drops his pen. Suzy winces and Arin immediately goes to damage control. 

“I knew you would be upset.”

“It’s just that I’ll miss you,” he races to say. “You can go - you _should_ go. You need a break.”

Suzy exhales. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. I love you so much, Arin, and I love Dan too, but I think maybe I just need to…step away from it all. I want to see all my siblings and cousins and…and just pretend for a little while like maybe none of this ever happened. I want to see if I can be myself again, instead of the girl who was kidnapped and - ”

She can’t finish her sentence, but Arin knows. He knows, and he can relate. In his head there are two of him, two of her, two of Dan. The before versions and the after versions. They were all struggling to remember how to be the people they used to be, but it was harder than it sounded.

Arin hugs her. The soft scent of vanilla and coconuts floats up from her messy hair and Arin buries his face in it.

“I’ll miss you so much,” he says, voice catching. “Will you be okay on the plane? I could come with you. I could - Dan could stay with Ross, maybe, just for a while, and I’d come right back.”

“Jean’s going to come here so I don’t have to be anywhere alone.”

“Oh.” Arin breathes. “Of course.”

She pulls her face back, and looks up at him. Whatever she sees there makes her frown. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

“One hundred percent.” That was an exaggeration, but only slightly.

“Is there something else bothering you?” she presses. “You’ve been looking a little odd all day.”

Arin can’t help but glance toward the living room. Dan’s big floofy head is outlined by the TV. He’s got the volume up so high that Arin’s sure he can’t hear them.

Suzy follows his gaze. “Did something happen with Danny?”

“No,” he blurts too fast, and she raises one eyebrow.

“You sure about that?”

“No. Fuck.” Arin can’t lie to her face, even though this is a fucking terrible time to bring this up - just before Suzy left the state. “I had - a dream about him.”

She stays quiet, letting him elaborate on his own.

“I can’t remember all of it. I didn’t remember it when I woke up. I just remember - feeling good, you know? Feeling rested and none of that nightmare hangover crap. But then I went to help give Dan his shower, and that made me remember…that’s what I dreamed about.”

“Giving him a shower?”

Arin winces.

“That’s not unusual,” Suzy says softly. “You’ve been helping him every day.”

“This was…different.”

“Sexual?” she asks bluntly.

Arin hates himself but he nods. “Yeah.”

“Again,” she says, “not weird. You’re in love with him, Arin. You’re in love with each other.”

“But we promised,” Arin says slowly. “We weren’t going to go any further until we’re healed.”

“And you won’t,” Suzy agrees. “I don’t see the big deal.”

“I just don’t want him to think that I - that I’m like them. I don’t want him to think that I help him get dressed just to ogle him, or something. He told me flat-out that he didn’t want to be touched like that. How can I fantasize about something he doesn’t want?”

“You were dreaming, baby, it wasn’t on purpose.”

“I thought about it, after.” _Dan on his knees, naked, his mouth open and inviting._ “It’s wrong.”

“I think you’re over-reacting,” she insists, but gently. “Arin, I guarantee you that Dan’s had thoughts like that, too. Fantasizing about something is harmless. As long as you’re both respecting each other’s boundaries, you’re not doing anything wrong.”

Arin doesn’t want to push it any more. He sighs and presses his hands to his face. “I dunno. Maybe you’re right.”

“No matter what, just be there for him. You two just be there for each other.”

“We will.”

Suzy exhales. “I’m glad he’s here. I don’t feel so bad about leaving. I could never leave you alone. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”

How did a big idiot like him get so lucky, with her?

**

His bed looks so empty without Suzy in it. 

Arin stares at it, tries to lay down in the middle, but it feels too wrong. He migrates to his usual side and even that feels different, without her slight weight to his left. Frustrated, he punches his pillow into a better shape and flips it to the cool side, but that doesn’t change a thing. He’s left staring at the ceiling, wide awake with his soul raw and smarting.

He wants to call Suzy. He wants to know how she’s doing. He wants to call her family again, talk to her mother, talk to Jean, to tell them how to take care of her, how gentle to be…but they loved her too, and knew her as well as he did. _She’ll be fine,_ Arin tries to soothe himself. _This is good for her, she needs time with her family, she needs time away from this little circle of broken people._

Dan’s sister had stayed for a week, and that had been so good for him. She took him to the beach and he came back all bronzed from the sun, lacking that ghastly paleness he’d gotten from being locked in a basement and then shut up in a hospital. She took Suzy shopping and to the beach, and then they all went out for dinner together where she told funny stories about Dan as retaliation for his childhood stories about her on Grumps. By the end of it Arin’s face actually hurt from laughing.

He hopes that Suzy is just as happy now, safe and surrounded by people who love her. He tries to keep that picture in his mind as he lays in his empty bed and closes his eyes.

Sleep is slow in coming, but sheer exhaustion nudges him there in the end.

**

In the middle of his night, his phone buzzes from the dresser.

Arin wakes with a start and rolls over to grab it. He’s surprised to see Dan’s name. On the heels of his surprise comes a slow rush of fear, and his heart is in his throat when he picks up and says, “Dan? What’s wrong?”

“Hi,” comes Dan’s voice, quiet and sheepish. “Um, did I wake you up?”

Arin looks at the clock. It’s only around twelve-thirty. Normally, he would still be up, reading or dicking around on his phone in bed. So he lies and says, “No.”

“Are you sure? I was trying to call your name from the stairs.”

“I was just kinda dozing,” Arin lies again. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I guess. Um…”

“Um?” Arin prompts. 

Dan hesitates. “This is going to sound really stupid, but, um. I was wondering…you can say no if it’s weird, but, well…I’m just having a rough night, and…could we maybe go sleep on the couches in the living room? Just so…so someone’s in the room with me.”

“The couches?” 

“Well…there’s nowhere else we can both sleep unless it’s um, my bed.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Too late Arin remembers the last time they’d slept on a bed together without Suzy as a buffer. The filthy stinking mattress, reeking of mould and sex and stained with blood and cum. _No wonder the idea freaks him out._

But to his surprise Dan answers quickly, “Nothing’s wrong with that. I just thought maybe you wouldn’t want to.” He sounds shy. “We haven’t really, you know…maybe I thought it would remind you of…”

Arin’s heart speeds up, just a little. “I don’t mind.”

“Can you come down then? Please?”

“Fuck, of course, dude, one sec.” Arin hangs up and hauls himself out of bed. Dressed in a white t-shirt and boxers, he heads down the stairs and across the living room to the little guest bedroom - no, _Dan’s_ bedroom. Dan could navigate stairs now, with great effort, but he still felt unsteady. The first level had everything he needed. Arin noticed, with an odd little pulse, that the hallway and bathroom already smelled like Dan - all earthy and piney, like his hair. Part of his home belonged to Dan now. The thought thrills him more than it should.

“Arin?” Dan calls out nervously as Arin walks down the hall.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Arin pushes the door open, then stares in shock at Dan’s face. “Oh, shit.”

Dan’s eyes are red and his face is streaked with tears. He hadn’t sounded this bad on the phone. When he sees Arin he manages a smile, but the effect is gruesome. “I look that bad, huh?”

Arin sits on the edge of the bed. _No, you look beautiful as always._ “What happened, baby?”

“Had a dream,” Dan says like it’s no big deal. His voice shakes. “I always have bad dreams, but…this one was…it was…” He shivers, and his composure breaks. Another tear falls down his cheek. “Fuck, Arin,” he says thickly. “Just…fuck.”

Arin‘s stomach is turning. It sucks so hard to see Dan in distress. He could protect and comfort Dan while he was awake, but nobody could save him in his nightmares. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently.

“I don’t know,” Dan says miserably. “I’m sorry for dragging you down here. I just…I needed to see you. After that dream. I needed to know…never mind, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. Was I in your dream?”

Dan nods.

“Can you tell me what was happening?”

Dan sucks in a breath.

“You don’t have to,” Arin hurries. “Not if you don’t want to.”

“They…they…” Dan swallows. “They were…”

Arin knows who _they_ are. “They were hurting me?”

“They cut your arm off,” Dan croaks. “They were holding you down and cutting off your arm and telling me that it was all my fault, for not obeying them. They made me watch. And then you were dying and I couldn’t move, and I didn’t help you. I didn’t do anything to help you. I sat there and watched and did nothing. J-just like in real life, when they - ”

Dan can’t finish. His voice chokes off and he lets out a single, heaving sob.

“Oh, Danny.” Arin doesn’t think, just moves forward and wraps his arms around Dan’s thin frame. Dan goes tense at his touch and Arin’s breath gets caught in his throat as he realizes that he probably should have asked first. But then Dan’s melting against him, hugging him back, craving the contact and the comfort. Arin holds him close, wishing he could do more. As he lets Dan relax, Arin’s fingers seek the puckered scars on his own arm. His skin feels strange against his fingertips, so rough and pebbly, and his arm doesn’t register the touch at all.

Eventually Dan’s trembling stops. He doesn’t let go of Arin, but his grip gets a little looser, and the sniffles die off.

“Do you wanna lay down?” Arin asks. “We can talk in the morning.”

“Can you, um.”

“Can I what?”

“Can you…keep holding me? While we sleep?” Dan pulls away and looks at Arin. He looks horribly embarrassed. “If you don’t want to, that’s cool, I understand.”

Arin almost laughs. “Of course I can hold you, dingus.”

“You want to?”

“You’re not the only one who has rough nights. I’m so used to Suzy in bed with me. I was fucking dreading trying to sleep without her.”

Dan winces. “I didn’t even think about that. You always have someone next to you.”

“Yeah. It’s pretty great.”

“Yeah,” Dan parrots, his eyes growing distant. “Must be nice.” 

“I’m here for you too, you know.” 

“It’s okay, Arin, it’s not like I’m jealous of Suzy or anything. I know she needs you too.”

“Maybe I thought you liked being alone,” Arin mumbles, suddenly feeling stupid for having just assumed. “I should have asked. I would have come down to be with you once in a while, at least.”

“It’s not fair to ask Suzy to be alone when I’m fine down here,” Dan points out. “And this bed isn’t big enough for three people, so it’s not like we could all fit. Your bed is big enough, but your stairs are dangerous, so. Yeah. Plus, you’re here now.”

“Yeah,” Arin says softly. “I’m here. And if you want me to, I’ll stay down here the whole time Suzy’s gone.”

“Of course I want you to.” Dan looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Why wouldn’t I want my boyfriend to sleep with me?” 

Arin feels his face flush hot at those words coming from Dan’s mouth. “Do you want to lay on your side? With me behind you?” 

“You mean I’d be the little spoon?”

Arin has to smile. “You can be whatever spoon you want.”

“Yeah, little spoon is good,” Dan declares after a beat, and he rolls over with his back to Arin. He’s in his underwear too, Arin notices. They’re tight and black, so stark against his pale skin, clinging to his slight curves. Arin lays down with a good half-foot of space between his body and Dan’s, and reaches his arm across Dan’s waist.

Dan immediately wriggles backward to close the distance. They slot together perfectly, and Dan is so warm and so good in his arms, pressed up against his chest. Arin closes his eyes and gets lost in the feeling.

“This okay?” Dan asks. He already sounds sleepy.

Arin can’t even fucking begin to explain how okay he is with all of this. He hadn’t let himself think that he and Dan could begin acting like a normal couple so soon. Jokes and kisses - even passionate kisses - were one thing, but this - this felt _real._ “Yeah, this is good.”

“Good. Goodnight, Ar’.” 

“Goodnight, babe.”

Dan lets out a contented sigh, and the two of them drift off, together.

**

Arin’s slow to wake in the morning. Dan’s still in his arms, and it feels so right, protecting him like this. It feels so good to know that Dan had asked him to be here, that Dan felt safe with him. The memories are well buried; this couldn’t be farther from the basement. The room is bright with the morning sun, the sheets are cool and clean, and Dan’s hair smells fresh when it tickles Arin’s chin. Drifting on the edge of sleep, Arin curls his arm around Dan more tightly, pulling him closer. 

“Mmm,” Dan sighs. He lets his head fall back against Arin’s shoulder and yawns, his long body stretching languidly. When he relaxes again, he curls his legs up. Arin chases the warmth and does the same, keeping his legs tucked up tight against Dan’s. 

In his half-awake state Arin forgets to feel apprehensive. He just feels - so good, so fucking good. Safe and happy and warm, just like Dan. As he slips back under, Arin dreams of kissing Dan’s neck, dreams of taking off his clothes as he’d done dozens of times when Dan struggled on his own with the brace. Dan’s pliant and willing, as he always is, and in Arin’s dreams he doesn’t have to worry about his touch lingering.

Arin doesn’t recognize the warmth flooding to his crotch at first. He doesn’t notice until he wakes up, and by then it’s too late.

When Dan shifts position, Arin’s eyes fly open and he sucks in a startled breath. He’s fully awake, and fully hard, and his dick is pressed right up against Dan’s ass, separated only by two extremely thin layers of fabric. He looks down and gasps at the visual. He’s nestled right up in Dan’s cleft and he wants nothing more than to rut forward, grind himself against Dan until he comes. 

_Fuck_. Arin thinks about the two of them in this position, naked. He thinks about rubbing himself off against Dan’s skin, thinks about his cum splattered across Dan’s lower back. He thinks around reaching over Dan’s hip, making Dan gasp and moan as he strokes him to climax. Arin bites his lip and leans forward to nuzzle the back of Dan’s sweet swelling neck, letting his eyes slide closed as his mind fills with images that have him blushing.

And then reality comes back and Arin is horrified.

 _It’s natural,_ Suzy had insisted, but Arin thinks otherwise. It’s not natural to be having these thoughts so soon after what had happened to them. And it’s not right to touch Dan without his consent. _He’s fucking asleep, you pervert, what are you doing?_

Arin untangles himself from Dan and wriggles back until no part of them is touching. His face is burning. His dick is ridiculously visible in his boxer briefs. He doesn’t want to be aroused. He doesn’t want to think about sex. He doesn’t want to lose the intimacy or destroy this new tentative relationship, on account of Arin not being able to control his inappropriate feelings. Dan had a hard time letting even _Brian_ so much as hug him without explicit warning and verbal consent. And Dan thought the world of Brian. Dan opened up to Arin in ways that he couldn’t to anyone else.

Arin rolls out of bed as quietly as he can, and slinks off to the bathroom for a cold shower.

**

Apparently, the universe hates him, because Dan picks today as the day he decides not to ask for Arin’s help putting on his pants. He wanders into the kitchen in his underwear and smiles at Arin, who has to hastily reach for his OJ so he doesn’t choke on his bagel.

“Morning,” Dan says lightly. Then he opens the fridge and bends to reach inside for one of the containers of leftover mac n’ cheese. He turns and sees Arin staring. “Don’t lecture me about how mac n’ cheese isn’t breakfast,” he teases.

“I wasn’t going to.” Arin’s voice is stilted to his own ears. “You can do whatever you want.”

Dan’s smile wilts at the edges, his eyes puzzled. Then he shrugs it off and pops the container into the microwave. 

The kitchen is quiet. Arin’s internal struggles leave him unable to think of anything to say. He wonders how things would be different if they had never been kidnapped. Would they still have fallen in love? Would they be able to have a normal relationship?

Suzy had suspected something for years, she had said. And the more Arin thinks about it, the more he realizes that she might be right. He’d always been protective of Dan in the same way he was protective of Suzy. He’d always found Dan hard to look away from. His brilliant smile, his easy charm, his lithe body and mile-long legs - he practically lit up a room with his presence. 

Arin finds himself wondering if the black-haired man had noticed the same things, the day he’d seen Dan at a restaurant and decided to take him by force. 

The thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth and he stands up from the table suddenly. “I gotta piss,” he explains to Dan, who had started at the sound of his chair scraping.

“When you’re done, do you think you could help me take a bath?”

“What? Like a full bath?”

“Yeah, like you mentioned the other day. I think I’m ready.” Dan looks determined. “I was thinking about it last night. I trust you, Arin.”

“I, um, maybe we could save that for another day? I’m not feeling good. I wouldn’t want to drop you or anything.” 

“You’re not feeling good?” Dan shuffles over to him on his crutches. “What is it, your head? Your stomach?”

Arin scrambles. “My back,” he lies. Well, it’s not a total lie. His back often hurt. It was no worse than usual today. “Maybe I slept funny. I don’t know. I just don’t think it’d be good to lift you out of the tub today.”

“You want a massage?” Dan asks neutrally.

Arin’s eyes widen. 

Dan shrugs, his face breaking out into a little grin. “I’m pretty good at it,” he explains. “And…my therapist and I did sort of talk about how being in control of physical situations with people I trust would be good for me.”

Arin swallows at the idea of Dan being control of other physical situations. “I, uh, maybe I can help you with that.”

“Cool. You wanna get on my bed? I can’t really straddle you, with my leg, but I could lay beside you and kinda work from there.”

Arin should say no. He should stop this right now. Or he should come clean so Dan would know exactly what kind of a man he was offering his love and trust to. But Arin’s going to hell, because he does none of those things. He just says, “Yeah, sure, that’d be great.”

Dan’s bed smells like both of them now. Arin lays down slowly, facedown on the left side. Dan props his crutches against the wall and climbs on carefully next to him.

“Where does it hurt?” Dan asks, laying his hand gently between Arin’s shoulders. 

“Dunno. All over.” 

Dan hums and runs his hand down the middle of Arin’s back, avoiding the spine itself. “That’s not good.”

“Aah.” Arin’s breath leaves his body when Dan does something with the heel of his palm, digging into muscles that Arin hadn’t even known were sore. “Ah, shit, Dan, that feels good.”

“Yeah?” There’s heat in Dan’s voice. “You like that?”

“Y-yeah. Oh - oh fuck.” Arin groans as Dan does it again, pushing harder. “M-maybe you could, on the other side…”

“Right here?” Dan’s talented fingers press down.

“Yes - AH, shit, yes!” 

Dan laughs throatily. “Jeeze, you sound so fucking hot right now.”

Arin moans again as the blood starts rushing down to his groin. Heat and heaviness fill his pants, and suddenly he’s digging into the mattress, his cock hard and throbbing. Dan’s fucking voice is going to be the death of him.

“Take your shirt off,” Dan says huskily. 

“Fuck, okay,” Arin says weakly. His arm throbs when he tries to yank his shirt up off his head, and Dan notices his quick little intake of breath.

“Let me help,” Dan says, and he does. The feeling of Dan tugging his shirt off does nothing to alleviate Arin’s arousal. “Here, does this feel better?”

Dan’s hands are hot, his fingertips smooth, his palms a little dry. He pets Arin‘s head, trailing fingers through his hair, and keeps the motion going, stroking Arin from his neck to the waistband of his boxers. “Yeah,” Arin gasps, “fuck yeah, Dan.”

“We need oil or something,” Dan muses. “Next time.”

“Next time? I get a next time?”

“Maybe,” Dan teases, squeezing the base of Arin’s neck. “If you give me a massage in return.”

“Jesus, Dan.” Arin lets himself think about it, Dan shirtless and pliant beneath his touch. His cock twitches. “Yeah, of course.”

“I bet you’re good at it. You’re so good with your hands.” 

Arin can’t think of anything to say in return. He focuses on breathing through the delicious pain-pleasure of Dan working out the knots in his back, focuses on keeping his hips still so he doesn’t hump the bed. He’s doing a pretty good job, he thinks. He can’t help his moans, though maybe they’re appropriate in this situation. They certainly don’t hinder Dan. 

Arin’s feeling pretty good, more relaxed than he’s been in a while. It’s nice to be taken care of. It wasn’t something he asked for too often. It was his job to take care of Suzy and Dan, not the other way around. But sometimes - it was nice. Mindless. 

But then Dan says something that makes Arin freeze. 

“Turn over?”

“No,” Arin says before he can think. His boner is practically drilling a hole in the mattress and if he turns over Dan’s going to know.

Maybe some of his fear comes through his voice because Dan yanks his hands away and backs right off. “Hey, hey,” he says, gently. “Nothing’s gonna happen if you don’t want it to happen, okay?”

Frustrated, Arin says, “I know. It’s not that.”

“Arin.”

Arin doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know what to say. He hears Dan curse, hears him shuffle off the bed. “I’ll grab your shirt,” he says.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You don’t sound okay.”

“Just - ” Arin squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m just gonna lay here for a minute, alright?”

Dan exhales hard. “You can do whatever you want. I won’t touch you, okay?”

“You can touch me,” Arin says. “I like your hands on me.”

“’Kay.” Dan sits back down carefully at Arin’s side. He lets his hand rest in the middle of Arin’s back, not rubbing him hard like before, but just sort of petting him. “I’m sorry I made that weird.”

Arin‘s sorry, too. Sorry that he turned what should have been a pleasant massage from his boyfriend into Dan thinking that he’d done something wrong. “Shit, it wasn’t you, Dan.”

Dan doesn’t believe him. He pets Arin’s hair. “You want to lay down together for a bit?”

“Yeah, sure.”

It takes Dan a while to get himself comfortable, with his bad leg. They both move more slowly than they used to - Dan’s ribs are mostly better, but Arin knows they still ache sometimes. And Arin’s arm hurts constantly, an ache he’s learned to mostly ignore, and he’s prone to headaches like he never was before. But when Dan gets himself on his side, propped up with pillows, he lays his arm over Arin’s back and curls himself close, and it feels so good that Arin forgets about his pains. Dan and Suzy both had that effect on him. Like magic.

“I love you,” Dan tells him, suddenly. 

Arin turns his face to the side to see Dan gazing at him. The look in his eyes is so sweet and pure that it makes Arin smile. “Love you more.”

“Doubt it.” Dan reaches out and brushes Arin’s silky hair out of his face. “I don’t know if anyone could love somebody more than I love you.”

And that’s horribly cheesy, but it’s also romantic as hell, and it reminds Arin of how charming Dan can be, in his earnest and innocent way. Arin’s heart hurts as he looks at Dan, thinking, _How in the fuck could anyone hurt you?_

What he says though, is “I’ll take a rain check on that massage, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure,” Dan agrees right away. “Just on your back, nowhere else.”

Arin appreciates the effort, but. “You know I trust you, yeah?”

“Of course. You don’t get to pick what triggers you.”

“I - I wasn’t exactly, uh, triggered.”

“I scared you.”

“You didn’t.”

Dan’s forehead wrinkles and he looks adorably like a confused puppy. “You sounded scared when I asked you to turn over.”

“Yeah.”

Dan doesn’t push it. He just looks at Arin with those big sad eyes until Arin opens his mouth and it just comes out. “The agreement that we had.”

Dan blinks. “What agreement?”

“Where we talked about not having sex.” Arin makes himself say it, makes himself look at Dan’s face. He has to be honest, finally. “I - I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Oh.” Dan’s face goes carefully neutral, but Arin can hear his quick breath in. “So…I did go too far, with the touching and the…the things I was saying? Are you saying, maybe…I broke the agreement?”

Arin‘s briefly horrified. “Shit, no, nothing like that. I just. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you. I liked the way you sounded. I liked your hands on me.” Arin feels himself blushing. “Maybe I liked it too much.”

“Oh.” Dan’s brow furrows, but then his eyes widen and he says, “ _Oh!_ You didn’t want to turn over because…”

“Yeah.” 

“I um, gave you…”

“A boner,” Arin says flatly. “Yeah, it was…pretty noticeable.”

“Were you afraid I’d freak out?”

“Yeah. I mean, wouldn’t you?”

“I…I don’t know. Maybe not.” Dan sits back down on the bed and rubs his arms. Arin recognizes the nervous tic, but Dan’s face is more curious than frightened. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it too?”

“What?” Arin blinks.

“I’m not _dead_ , Arin, I still have, you know. Urges.” Dan tousles his hair, looking shy. “Maybe I’m having some problems, um, expressing them, or actually acting on them, because of - you know. But…sometimes I wonder, and…yeah. I think about what we would do if we weren’t…you know.”

Arin’s entire world is upside down. “I was beating myself up about it. I thought I was weird, for being able to want it so soon after everything. I thought I was a freak.”

“You are a freak,” Dan teases. “But not that kind of freak.”

“I didn’t want to give you a bath today because I’ve been dreaming about it,” Arin blurts, and why did he say that? Dan doesn’t look shocked though, so Arin finishes that thought. “I jacked off for the first time a few days ago, and I realized…I was worked up because I had a dream about bathing you.”

“Yeah? Was I doing anything in particular, in the dream?”

“Not really. Just…you were wet, and I was rubbing you down with soap.”

Dan actually smiles. “Where were you rubbing me?”

Arin can’t believe this is real life. “Um.”

That’s answer enough for Dan. “Maybe I wouldn’t mind, if you. You know. Actually did that, next time.”

“Have you - have you, um, jerked off at all?”

Dan shakes his head. “I. I’ve gotten hard, a few times. I’ve wanted to.” He swallows and looks at Arin’s mouth. “Do you want to kiss me?”

“Yeah. Fuck yeah. Come here.”

Dan doesn’t need any more encouragement. He wiggles over, clumsy with his leg, and Arin moves to meet him halfway. They end up with Arin half on top of Dan, propped up on an elbow, his knee carefully planted between Dan’s legs, taking care not to touch his leg brace. For a second Arin wonders if Dan will feel too vulnerable, too powerless like this, underneath a man so much larger than himself. But then Dan surges up to meet Arin’s mouth with his own. His hand settles on Arin’s waist, caressing his curves and the pudge of his stomach. 

They’ve kissed dozens of times but this is different. The tension is crackling between them and Arin swears he can see the sparks flying behind his eyes. Dan’s teeth lightly nip at Arin’s lower lip and Arin’s startled into a moan.

“Yeah?” Dan murmurs, pulling back far enough to speak, and when he leans in again he kisses a line down Arin’s jaw, to his neck, where his teeth graze the skin just beneath his ear. Arin moans again, more loudly, and grabs at Dan’s hair blindly.

Somehow he finds the willpower to speak. “D-does this mean…does this mean you that you want to forget about that agreement?”

“Mmm.” Dan presses a kiss to Arin’s throat. “Yeah. I. I don’t know, for sure, but, I think I’m ready. I definitely want to try - moving forward with this. With us.”

“I - I want that too. I want _you._ ”

Dan looks up at him, his dark eyes bold, and when he pulls Arin against him they both gasp. Dan’s arousal, thick and rigid, presses firmly against Arin’s, and when Arin shifts his hips the friction crackles through him like lightning. Dan’s mouth opens in an O, and Arin says, “Holy shit, Dan.”

“It’s okay?” Dan’s desperate. “Please tell me this is okay.”

“It’s more than okay. Jesus fuck.” Arin’s dick throbs and he groans, rutting against Dan.

“Oh,” Dan gasps, rolling his hips back in response. “Oh, oh fuck.”

Their mouths meet again, a little messy with their focus elsewhere, and when Dan tries to dominate the kiss again Arin decides he’s had enough of that and takes control. He can feel the dynamic change when he pushes his hands into Dan’s hair, tugging his head back so Arin can lean in and press his tongue hard against Dan’s.

Arin doesn’t anticipate it at all, but when Dan slides his hands around his hips to cup his ass, adrenaline shoots through him. He goes tense and Dan backs off, pulling his hands back up to Arin’s waist and murmuring, “Sorry, sorry” into their kiss.

Arin feels a stab of annoyance at himself. He hates being so broken. He wants to be able to enjoy Dan’s touch without thinking of _them._ He shouldn’t think about them - they shouldn’t be impacting his life any more, taking away from this new and wonderful relationship with Dan. He doesn’t want to give them that power.

So he takes Dan’s wrists and pulls his hands back to his ass.

“Arin,” Dan murmurs. “It’s okay, don’t make yourself do it.”

“I want to forget.” Arin tightens his grip. “Make me forget.”

“That’s not - that can‘t be good for you, and, um - ” Dan seems to be having trouble finding the right words. 

“Please.” Arin kisses him, hard. “The more you touch me the less I remember.”

The kiss leaves Dan gasping, pupils blown wide. He looks into Arin’s eyes as he cautiously strokes his hands over Arin’s ass, exploring.

“Yeah?” Arin grins.

“You’re beautiful,” Dan tells him. “I’ve always thought you were beautiful.”

“Always?” 

“Hell yeah. You’re - you’re so strong, but you’ve also got all these curves, and the first time I saw you in that stupid tight dress I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“You should have told me.”

“Yeah? I was scared. I shouldn’t have been.”

That makes Arin a little sad, thinking of what might have been - what might have happened when they were both hale and healthy. But it makes him pretty fucking hot to know that Dan had been looking, all this time. That Dan wanted him, then and now. 

“Can I take off my shirt?” Dan asks, pulling Arin back to the present.

“Fuck yeah,” Arin says . “What kind of a question is that?”

Dan laughs and leans away so he can carefully pull his T-shirt over his head, his movements a little awkward with him flat on his back. Arin puts his hands on his sides, staring at all the bare skin in front of him, at Dan’s flat lean stomach and the faint outline of his ribs beneath his skin. He strokes upwards, brushes his thumbs across Dan’s nipples, and Dan gasps.

“Sensitive?” Arin asks, doing it again. 

Dan actually does a full-body shudder. “Y-yeah, they’re really - _fuck!_ ” Arin had leaned in to mouth at one, flicking his tongue over the puckered skin. “Arin!” he gasps.

Arin hums and closes his mouth over Dan’s nipple, lightly sucking. His mouth roams over Dan’s chest and finds the other, doing the same thing. Dan’s hands come to rest on the back of his head and Arin feels them shaking. 

He pulls off to ask, “You okay?”

Dan nods, his mouth a little tight. Arin, remembering the hickeys on Dan’s chest the day they’d dragged him down to the basement, stops in his tracks. “You can say no,” he tells Dan, which is obvious, but he thinks Dan needs to hear it anyhow. “You can ask me to stop, and I will.”

“Okay,” Dan exhales. “Okay, yeah, I know. Thank you.”

“I never want to do anything to hurt you, alright?” Arin trails his hands down Dan’s chest. “I only want to make you feel good.”

“You do. Fuck, look what you do to me, Arin.” 

“Yeah,” Arin breathes. Dan had told him to look, so he does. Dan’s cock is straining at the fabric of his boxers and Arin’s mouth actually waters when he sees it pulse and twitch. “I could look at you all fucking day.”

Dan, maybe a little embarrassed under Arin’s heated gaze, squirms and reaches down to cup himself. Arin’s eyes go wide, because that’s even hotter, watching how Dan fit his big hand around the outline of his dick.

“That’s so fucking hot,” Arin blurts.

“What? Me touching it?”

Arin can’t believe that Dan actually sounds doubtful. “Do you want, to maybe…take off the boxers and, keep doing that?”

“To myself?”

“Yeah. I want to see. I want to see how you make yourself feel good.”

Dan bites his lip, playing with the idea. Finally he says, “Only if you do it too.”

“You want to see?“

“Yeah, I do,” Dan says, boldly. “That sounds hot. I kinda want to see how you do it.”

“I dunno if I have any like, secret HJ techniques,” Arin says, but he’s grinning anyway. Dan’s boldness makes him feel bold, too. He rolls to Dan’s side and hooks his fingers under his boxer briefs and yanks them down awkwardly, cursing as he has to contort himself to get them down to his ankles and over his feet. Dan turns onto his side, careful to keep his leg from being jostled, laughing softly at Arin. But his giggles come to an abrupt halt when Arin takes his own achingly hard cock in hand and strokes, sighing in relief.

“Is this okay?” he remembers to ask. Dan’s frozen, staring at Arin’s cock with his mouth open. Arin’s hand stills as he waits for Dan to say something, or move, or do anything to indicate that he’s not freaked out by the sight of Arin, hard and ready.

“Oh my God,” Dan finally murmurs. “Holy shit, Arin.” He yanks at his boxers, tearing them down to midthigh, and then he stops and blushes. “Um, can you maybe - it’s hard like this, with the brace - ”

“You want me to take them off for you?” Arin knows it’s what he means, but the verbal agreement is important. He waits until Dan nods, and then he sits up to help gently pull the boxers off. “Jesus, Dan,” he says when he finally gets to see Dan, totally naked and just as hard as Arin. 

It’s surreal, being here on Dan’s bed. They’d been naked together in bed before, but that had been forced. It hadn’t been sexual. This is different - so fucking different. Like night and day. Arin is here because Dan wants him here. He’s naked because Dan wants him to be naked. They‘re doing this because they love each other. 

Arin meets Dan’s eyes and takes himself in hand, stroking slowly from base to tip. “I usually start slow,” he explains out loud. “I like getting myself super worked up first.”

“Like edging?” Dan almost whispers, impressed.

Arin laughs. “Not really. More like…I dunno. I like being a little out of my mind, you know? I like being desperate. Makes the end that much better.”

Dan nods. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“How do you like it?”

“I usually, um, have lube to start,” Dan tells him, and when Arin looks at him he grins and licks his left palm with his pink tongue. “But this works too.” 

“You like to do it fast?”

“Yeah,” Dan says, breathless. “Usually. Like, um, like this.” And he starts to stroke himself, pushing that big cock through the ring of his thumb and index finger, sliding his hand from base to tip. 

It’s hypnotizing. Arin watches, his mind blown. Dan’s cock is perfect, just big enough to be impressive without being ridiculous or intimidating, and Arin love the way he can see the thick veins embossed along the shaft. The head is rosy pink, a little darker than the rest of him, and Arin’s first urge is to lean down and kiss it.

That might be too much though, so Arin takes his hand off his dick and licks the palm, mimicking Dan. “Let me try it your way.”

It’s intimate and soft, the two of them laying side-by-side, watching each other. Dan’s eyes flicker between Arin’s face and Arin’s cock, his chest heaving as he pants, his hand working up and down. Arin times his hand with Dan’s, imagines that it’s Dan touching him instead. Dan’s face is perfect, his cheeks blushing as rosy as his cock, his dark eyes lidded and sultry as he watches. Arin probably looks stupid in comparison, with his mouth hanging open and his chin doubling when he looks down to stare at their dicks. But Dan’s watching him like he’s porn, his gaze heated and full of want. 

It sucks when Arin’s arm suddenly burns, the old injury flaring, and he has to let go and hiss in pain. 

“Arin?” Dan asks worriedly. “You okay?”

“Just my arm,” Arin mutters. Frustration coils in his gut. Of all the fucking times for his arm to hurt…

“Just your arm?” Dan says, worriedly. “Should we stop?”

Arin’s torn. He absolutely does not want to stop. But this angle is weird, and he doesn’t think it’s gonna get any better, and there’s really no other way for him to jack off without laying flat on his back with Dan sort of in his peripherals.

It surprises him when Dan speaks up again, sounding timid. “Maybe…” he says, breathless. “Can I try…touching you?” 

Arin can hardly believe this is real. “Um. Are you serious?”

Dan laughs sheepishly. “I kind of thought…if you move a little closer, then maybe I could…with both?”

Arin stares. Then he says, “Holy fuck” and wriggles himself right up against Dan’s chest. He reaches down, takes his downward-curved cock in hand and pulls it upright. It rubs up against Dan’s, and the shocking heat of Dan’s cock against his makes them both gasp. It feels like Arin’s rubbing up against hot velvet wrapped around steel, and when he rolls his hips he sends a shockwave through his body. He can just keep his arm slack at his side and get off like this.

“Oh,” Dan whispers. “Oh, _Arin._ ” He reaches between them, and his hand is big enough to wrap around both of their cocks at once. 

The heat and friction is instantly overwhelming. Arin moans, his hips moving on their own. He fucks into Dan’s hand shamelessly and Dan’s grip tightens, clumsy but eager. 

“You like it?” Dan asks, almost shyly.

“Fuck yeah.” Arin looks down, and the visual is almost more intense than the sensation itself. “You’re good at this.”

“Am I? It feels weird - like I’m not really touching you enough.”

“I mean, you could change that,” Arin says before thinking.

Dan hums. “Okay.” He lets himself go and wraps his hand fully around Arin, no hesitation at all. Arin can’t think, can’t speak, can’t do anything but moan and shake, thrusting his hips into the tight grip of Dan’s hand. Dan’s dick nudges his thigh, smearing wet there, and Arin’s head spins. It’s embarrassing as fuck but he can’t help it, he’s already close, too close.

“Dan, you’re gonna, you’re gonna make me,” he manages to stutter out. 

“Gonna make you what? Use your words, Arin.” Dan’s tone is playful. “Am I gonna make you come?”

“Yes!” Arin almost shouts, and when Dan says “Yeah” in a satisfied way, like he’s pleased with himself for bringing Arin to the edge - that’s what does it, what tips him right over. With a full-body shudder Arin spurts, half onto Dan’s fingers and half on Dan’s stomach, the remaining dribbles spilling down his shaft and dripping onto the sheets below. When it’s over Arin feels like a wrung-out rag.

“Dude,” he says. “Can I just say, that, uh. That was embarrassing, and normally I last longer.”

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Dan says. “Watching you come was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Dan’s cock is still nudging insistently at his thigh. Arin lifts his leg, feels it slide wetly across his skin. Dan moans so Arin shifts his leg again, giving him a little friction. 

“Your turn?” Arin asks.

“With your good arm? We’ll have to change position.” Dan starts to sit up to do so. Arin quickly says, “Wait!”

“What?”

“I could, uh, do something else for you,” Arin says, and his blood is pounding in his ears. “Something that doesn’t need me to use either arm.”

“What…” Dan starts, and then he goes rigid. “Arin! You…you know you don’t have to, right?”

“’Course I do. I’m not asking because I think I have to. I’m asking because I want you.”

“Oh,” Dan breathes, and then he rolls onto his back. He inches his legs apart and Arin gets the hint, scooting down the bed and between Dan’s spread legs. A little part of Arin marvels at the amount of trust Dan is giving him. A bigger part of Arin is focused on how fucking huge Dan’s cock looks from down here, how wet his tip is, how he’s actually starting to salivate at the sight. 

Arin leans in and presses a kiss to Dan’s shaft. The velvety feeling against his lips takes him by surprise. It’s so _smooth_ , so soft, and it makes him want to nuzzle it, kiss every inch of it, feel the pulsating warmth on his tongue. Dan’s scent, a mild and musky-sweetness, fills his nose. Arin focuses on that good smell as he opens his mouth and takes him in.

“Holy fuck,” Dan chokes out. His hands fly out at his sides and grab handfuls of the sheets. “Arin, oh my God.”

Arin has to laugh, which is funny because there’s a dick in his mouth and he makes an odd snorting noise instead. That makes Dan laugh too, and somehow the levity gives Arin the strength to go on, sucking at Dan’s cock with an amateurish technique that nonetheless has Dan moaning like a goddamn porn star.

It’s sloppy and messy, Arin drooling down his chin, making obscene slurping noises as he bobs his head. But it’s totally fucking doing it for him, and from the sounds Dan’s making, he’s pretty fucking into it, too. Arin loses himself in the act, surrounded by Dan’s pleasure, and the concept of time just seems to disappear.

Eventually, Dan says “Hey” and tugs at his hair. “Arin, Arin, hey, if you keep that up I’m gonna cum.”

“Mmm,” Arin moans back, barely hearing. His lips are going a little numb and it feels fucking incredible, like he’s well-used. Fuck, he’d always loved being submissive. He’s glad that hadn’t been changed by the tragedy.

“Arin,” Dan says, a little more insistently. “Do you - do you want me to cum in your mouth?”

That gets his attention. Arin does want, but - he doesn’t know what his reaction will be, and he doesn’t want to spoil it all by freaking out at the very end. So he draws off, smacking his lips and catching his breath, while his good hand takes up the rhythm. 

“Maybe next time,” Arin tells him, and Dan’s too close to give him a coherent reply but Arin knows he heard.

As much as he’d loved Dan’s cock in his mouth, Arin enjoys this almost just as much. He can see Dan’s face, watch him toss his curly head from side to side as his mouth hangs open, panting. He gets to see the desperation there, the way Dan looks when he starts to cry out, shuddering and humping up into Arin’s fist. And, as his hand doesn’t slow, even when he feels Dan’s shaft swell and tighten, he gets to see the way Dan’s eyes scrunch up as he shoves a hand into his own hair and _pulls_ just as Arin feels wet, slimy heat spill down his knuckles.

“Arin,” Dan moans. “Arin, fuck, I - I love you. I love you so much.”

Trust Dan to get romantic when he comes. “I love you too,” Arin murmurs, using his clean hand to stroke Dan’s heaving stomach. “That was so fucking hot.”

“Yeah.” Dan laughs, eyes bright. “You were - _wow._ I’m so glad this happened.”

“Me, too.”

Once they’re cleaned up, they settle back into bed. Arin pulls the blanket over them both.

“Where do we go from here?” Dan asks in a whisper, like he’s scared to ask too loudly.

“I don’t know. Whatever we want to do, let’s just…have the courage and honesty to ask each other for it.”

“Okay,” Dan agrees. He takes a breath and looks at Arin. “Next time, I want to try doing -what you did. How’s that for honesty?”

Heat flares bright in Arin’s veins. “You wouldn’t be scared?”

“Was it scary for you?”

Arin shakes his head. “No. It just felt good. Really good. I liked it even better than I thought I would.”

“Have you thought about it before?”

“Yeah,” Arin has to confess. “Suzy, sometimes…she’d want me to suck her strap-on, and it turned me on like crazy. I always thought about trying it for real.”

“Wow,” Dan says softly. “I - I can’t lie, I’m pretty curious now.”

“Question.”

“Answer,” Dan says back, like a dingus.

“What happens if we want to go even further than that?”

Dan lets out a breath. “I…I’m curious about that, too.”

“About having it done to you, or…doing it to me?” _Dan above him, inside him, filling him up and making him beg for more…_

“Both, I think?” Dan swallows. “To be honest…before everything happened…well, you used to talk about doing it to yourself with your fingers, and. You know. Toys. And I used to have, um, fantasies, I guess, about you showing me what it was like, to have something inside of me. Like just, right there on the Grump couch.”

“Jesus Christ, Dan.” Arin reels. “You - you’d still want that, though? Even after…”

“I think we should go slow, but - I’m willing to give it a try.” Dan looks at him openly. “I mean, it’s _you._ I trust you, Arin.” 

It’s the most beautiful thing Arin’s ever heard. 

Arin closes his eyes for a moment and thinks, for the hundredth time, how lucky he is, how exciting the future looks from here. There’s so much to do, so much to experience, so many new beginnings for both of them. It’s frightening and fascinating and intriguing all in one and Arin can hardly wait to see what happens next.

“I trust you too.” Arin kisses him. “I love you.”

They would heal, together.


End file.
